Is "knowing" really half the battle?

I had this idea that I was going to do my part to educate whoever reads my blog about infertility. I thought I would just journal about my experiences with the subject and hopefully make people more aware of the issue. What I've learned lately is that when i'm in the throws of treatment, the last thing I want to do is blog about anything, let alone the reason for the treatment. As I'm sure you've noticed it's been awhile since my last post. I could go on about how busy life seems or the transitions that are going on (mainly, that I resigned from my job). But the truth is I haven't been blogging because I haven't been in a very good place, emotionally. I have a ton of stuff on my mind but zero motivation to put the finger to the keyboard.

Infertility messes with you, in a cruel and unusual punishment sort of way. It strips you of any power you thought you had over the situation. The "birds & the bees" take on a whole new meaning; one that involves tests & medication & ultra sounds & shots & lots of other things that I won't go into at this point.

Infertility also messes with your faith. I've tried not to admit that last statement out loud, or even to myself, for that matter. But it does. Don't worry, I'm not losing my faith. I know God has me in the palm of His hand.... at least I think He does. Doesn't He?

See what I mean?

A friend of mine recently told me about a wonderful answer to prayer. He ended his story with "God is so faithful." Part of me was rejoicing with this friend, but another part of me was thinking, "is He? Really? And how does He decide who to be faithful to and who to ignore? And what if He hadn't answered that prayer? Is He still faithful?" Intellectually, I know the answers to these questions, based on what the Scripture says. But try explaining that to my heart. The only explanation my heart wants to hear is why.

Why? I mean, I get it: Bryndyn and I can do our part but ultimately, we can't create life. The doctors can do their part, but modern medicine & technology can only do so much. I get it. Our faith can't be in ourselves or in our medical treatment plan. There is only one Creator of life. I GET IT! But I still long for an answer to my question. Please don't tell me that I'm supposed to be learning and growing from this experience... even if it's true. My mind gets it; my heart just doesn't.

I know I'm blessed.
I know Caelleb and Tia are huge blessings, not to mention Bryndyn.
I know I should be content with what I have and stop focusing on what I don't have.
I know I should think positive.
I know God will somehow use this for good (He already has in many ways).
I know there is a lot of worse heartache in the world than my infertility.
I know I'm probably never going to understand why.
I know.
I know.
I know.

Well... my intellect knows. My heart stopped listening a long time ago....

OK, so now you know why I haven't been blogging. And now you are probably worried about my emotional wellbeing. :) Keep in mind that for me this blog is an outlet. I'm ok. Really. Just needed to vent. If you want to respond to this post but don't know what to say, that is completely understandable. You don't need to say anything. I mean, feel free to tell me what a fabulous person you think I am (just kidding) :) Or you can just pray for Bryndyn and I. Don't pray for us to get pregnant (well, I guess you can if you want to). Pray for us to be able to say (truthfully) that, God is faithful, regardless of the outcome of each treatment cycle. Pray for us to be able to lean on God (and each other) for comfort and support when we're discouraged. Pray that this experience draws us closer to our Creator. And pray for my heart to start listening again.