The flaw of postmodernism

Whose Line is it Anyway?

Me: "So, daddy & I are going out on a date tonight."

Caelleb: "why?"

Me: "Sometimes mommy and daddy just need time just the two of us, so miss Stephanie will be coming over to hang-out with you while we are gone."

Caelleb (shaking his head no, in a playful sort of way): "No, no, no, no. . . NO DEAL!"

Me: "No deal? That's Tia's line. You stole Tia's line."

Caelleb: "No it's not. That my line too. I have LOTS of good lines mommy."

Weekend w/the Fam

As mentioned earlier, we traveled south this past weekend to hang out with Uncle Scott, Aunt Lori, Braden, Easton & Isabelle! As always, it was great to be with family! I took fewer pictures than normal (for me), but here are some of my favorites. . .


Fun at the (rainy) ballpark

My sister coaches a high school softball team. The following pictures were taken during one of their games. It rained during part of the game, which the boys LOVED and the girls (well, Tia) didn't like so much.

Caelleb & Braden

Easton, Caelleb & Braden (of course Caelleb was the muddiest-surprise, surprise)

Braden

Isabelle

Tia & Daddy

Caelleb

I love this pic of Isabelle & her flowery overalls & LSU hat!

spitting image of my sister

Bathtime

Lori gave all three little ones a bath together one night. Easton & Isabelle love taking baths. Tia likes baths "OK" as long as she doesn't have to get her hair/face wet. As you will see in a picture below, Tia has no problems pouring water on other people's faces. This actually brings her much joy! :)

Easton being silly. . .

The New Look

How do you like the new header? My friend Nichole designed it and I love it!

I had been wanting to change my title & add the picture for awhile but just never really had the time to figure out how to do it. Bryndyn recently taught me how to create a jpg in power point so I created the following header:

Nichole saw the header I had created and was "inspired" (according to her email) to play with what I had done. Well, she took the reigns from there and came up w/the end result that you see at the top of this site. I am so grateful!!!! Thank you Nichole for being such a creative & thoughtful friend!!!

A little more about the new header. . .

I went to a Women of Faith conference a few years back and the theme for that year was "Irrepressible Hope." At the time, our church was going through some rough internal issues. Shortly after the conference 3 of our 4 ministers resigned on the same Sunday. As an employee & member of the church the situation took a toll on me. The conference theme, Irrepressible Hope, stuck with me. . . Looking back, our life was so simple then. Not to downplay the church issues we went through, but in comparison to everything Bryn and I faced last year I can't help but wonder if God somehow used that situation and the Women of Faith conference to help prepare me for 2007. Irrepressible hope, through Christ. . . Such assurance!

The picture was taken last June. I was feeding Jamie and Tia came over and grabbed his hand. My camera happened to be sitting on the coffee table right next to me so I snapped a couple shots. I love the outcome! This picture captures so many things. . .

Remembering Jamie

The bond that Tia & Jamie shared

Representation of our family

It's interesting because neither Tia or Jamie are "official" Crutchers, Yet, I can't think of a better image for the title of our family blog!

The Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11-13, was on our wedding invitations and is one of my all time favorites!

Some things are just more important. . .

I'm pretty much a stickler when it comes to the kid's bedtime. If we are on vacation or have friends/relatives in from out of town, then I don't worry about it so much. Otherwise, if it is a school night and we are home the kids are in bed by 8pm. I guess my motto is a "flexible routine."

Wednesday night we got home from church around 8:40pm. Normally, for Caelleb, this would mean a mad rush for PJ's, tooth-brushing, and bed. But Wednesday night was the lunar eclipse. And (according to Bryndyn) this won't happen again for 2 years. SOOOOO, Caelleb got to stay up late.

Still recovering from the flu, I almost blew off the eclipse and headed straight to bed. I'm glad I didn't. We pulled up three chairs to our dining room picture window and stared at the moon for a good 25 minutes. Bryndyn explained to Caelleb what was happening (I couldn't have done that even if I'd wanted to...how my husband knows *everything is beyond me). Caelleb was really intrigued by the whole thing, especially once the moon started turning orange. Numerous times as he listened to Bryn's explanation about the Earth, Sun & Moon Caelleb would exclaim "Ohhhh!" (like "oh I get it, that totally makes sense"). Much of the time we just sat in silence marveling God's artistry.

The best part of this bedtime-rule-breaking-evening was when Caelleb leaned over and whispered to Bryndyn, "I love you daddy" and then to me "I love you too, mommy." I KNEW there was a good reason to add "flexible" to our routine!




*Bryndyn jokingly calls himself the "king of useless trivia." He seriously is!

Down For The Count

We went to Louisiana this past weekend to visit my sister and her family & I came back w/the flu! Bryn had it about a week before we left for our trip, so pretty sure I got it from him. Fun times. All that to say, sorry for my blogging absence. Currently I have lots to write about just no energy or coherence of thought. Be back soon. . .

I Love YOU!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Tulips

Happy (early) Valentine's Day! We'll be on the road much of tomorrow, so Bryndyn surprised me tonight w/a spotless clean house & a bouquet of tulips! They are beautiful. Tulips are a Valentine tradition in our household, since 1999. There is a great story behind the tradition, but it's late. At some point I will share the story that many of you already know! :)

Works For Me Wednesday

This is my first Works For Me Wednesday post & probably my last (I'm not that ingenius), we'll see.





Many (hopefully not all) of you will already know this trick but I just figured it out a couple months ago. I love to read, don't want to buy every book on my list & don't have the time to spend at the library browsing & searching. With the help of the internet & my library card, I can access my library's online catalogue, place a hold on the books I want, wait for their email telling me my book(s) are ready and then simply pick them up at the counter. Voila. I can also re-check them out from the comfort of my own home. Works for me!

Oh, one more thing, did you know that your library card also doubles as a windshield ice scraper? I don't recommend using this alternate feature unless it is an emergency (like you are trying to pick your child up from school on time and your window defroster is not working fast enough & you have no ice scraper in your car)! :)

Preaching to the Choir

Possibly my greatest concern for Caelleb is his confidence & self-esteem. Currently, this is not a problem, at all. But I worry that as he gets older the speech delays & academic challenges that he faces will dampen his spirit. So when I stumble upon an opportunity to reinforce what an incredible, created-in-God's-image, child he is, I SEIZE that moment (if I realize it in time)! In conversation this morning on our way to daycare, one of these moments transpired. . .

Caelleb: I'm growing up WAY tall. I growed up in my
sleep last night.

Me (laughing & teasing him): Will you quit that! You
are growing up way too fast.

Caelleb: I can't mommy. God made me dat way.

Me: True. I bet someday you are going to be taller than
me.

Caelleb: I want be same tall as daddy.

Me: I guess we just have to wait and see how tall God wants you to
be. (Hmmmm, here's my chance. . .)

Me: Did you know that God made you exactly how he wanted you to be?

Caelleb: I know.

Me: Did you know that God doesn't ever make
mistakes? Isn't that sooo cool?

Caelleb: I know dat mommy. All deeze tings you talk
'bout. I ah-ready know dem.

Well, then I'm doing my job. Repetition is the key to learning, right?

The Word On The Street

The "word on the street" for today's tivo'd episode of Sesame Street: Frustrated. As someone w/a background & education in counseling I appreciate this effort on Sesame Street's part, helping kids understand and be able to name their emotions. Caelleb & Tia watched intently as a little girl described the feeling of being frustrated. From the looks on their faces it seemed that they understood the word & the emotion behind it. Just to make sure, I asked each of them the following question: Have you ever felt frustrated? Their responses were comical. Oh yes, they definitely got it!

Caelleb's response: "Oh yea. Today at naptime I was frustrated. You were frustrating me!" (because I made him lay down for a nap)

Tia's response: "My udder mommy frustrates me. She tells me to stand in the corner." (her time out spot)

Let's Talk About It

"According to the American Society For Reproductive Medicine, infertility
affects 6.1 million American women and their partners, about 10
percent of the reproductive age population..." You can read the
rest of the article here.

1 in 10? Wow. Why then, is infertility (IF) still such a taboo subject? A friend of mine recently thanked me for being willing to talk about my own struggle with IF. She commented that all the issues surrounding IF are hard for her to understand as not many are willing to talk about their experiences. Fair enough.

I've found that talking about IF is much easier with individuals who have been (or are currently) in my shoes. Explaining the range & depth of emotions is difficult to put into words. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of ignorant IF comments, most (but not all) were well-intended. Truth is, the more I think about it, I think my friend may have a point. Maybe the "fertile world" :) doesn't understand the "infertile world" because the IF-ers don't tend to talk much (or at all) about their experiences. Maybe.

Then again, I can certainly understand the IF silence. From a purely physical standpoint, IF is a very personal issue. How much info is too much info, really? Do you want to hear about the dye that was (painfully) inserted into my fallopian tubes, the plethora of vaginal ultra-sounds, the high dosages of drugs (both oral & injections), the side effects from those drugs, the oh-so-romantic doctor prescribed intercourse. . . just to name a few. Or what about the emotional side of IF? Do you want to hear of the denial, embarrassment & shame that I dealt with early on, or the hopelessness that followed which then turned into anger? Or how about that as the anger melted away (although some lingers about), the true emotion emerged--sorrow, deep sorrow. None of these are easy emotions to talk about, especially if the one you are talking to cannot relate.

I think for me, besides the obvious inability to get pregnant, this is the next hardest thing about infertility, that most people just do not understand my pain/sorrow/grief/loss. Since I want to feel "understood" (doesn't everyone?) I mask the pain (as much as possible). How's that working for me, you ask? Depends on the day. When I am at my best, I feel so blessed for the family that God has already given me and I am content to leave the infertility issues to Him. At my worst, depression closes in around me. It's a constant battle and most days I'm somehwere in the middle. In theory, I know that this "thorn in my flesh" can be a stepping stone to a closer relationship with God; His grace is sufficient, even for me. In practice, waiting for God's answer to this particular prayer (whether that answer be "yes" or "no"), has been a serious test of my faith.

Which brings me to my point. . . Bryn & I shouldn't have to carry this burden alone, and thankfully, we don't. We are blessed with some very encouraging and supportive friends & family. But wouldn't it be great if everyone had a better understanding of infertility, to be better equipt to care for our loved ones who are struggling through this type of loss? With this hope in mind, I am going to try harder to put myself out there and truly give anyone who is reading this blog a truer picture & understanding of life with infertility. Please bear with me as this will not be an easy task (being vulnerable never is). Hopefully, writing about this topic will be therapeutic. More importantly, maybe it will increase awareness & compassion for the 10% of us that face the reality of infertility every day.

Nope. Not Doing It.

We've been on a nice break from infertility treatment. But, it's time to start thinking about cycles again. Or not? If there is any chance of clomid this month I should be going in to have a resting scan by tomorrow at the latest. I just can't bring myself to make the call. I'm not ready yet, to be back on the rollercoaster. I've rather enjoyed having my emotional sanity back.

Prayers Run Amok (w/clarification)

I'm currently reading Philip Yancey's, Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference? So far, it is a great (challenging & thought-provoking) read. Pretty sure the following non-fiction prayers are not what Yancey had in mind

Let me clarify. . . After praying for our dinner I looked up and saw that Caelleb had been (and still was) drinking his milk during the prayer. So, I (light-heartedly) added the following addendum to my prayer, trusting that God has a sense of humor.

"Dear God, please help Caelleb remember not to drink his milk during the prayer."

The wide-eyed, open-mouth look on Caelleb's face was priceless. His was completely astonished that I had ratted him out when he added his own prayer addendum to my addendum:

"Dear God, please help mommy not tell on me."

Should be grounds for a day off?!?!?

What a great holiday! The first time I had chocolate for breakfast I was in Heidelberg, Germany. Ahhhhh. Memories! :)

Duh.

There was a thunderstorm off in the distance as we were driving tonight, when Caelleb tells me, "I'm scared of lightning." Without much thought I responded, "You are? How come?" If I was looking through my rear view mirror I probably would have seen him roll his eyes as he said, "Because they freak me out. That's why." OK then.

Not going for Mom of the Year. . .

Upon waking up EARLY from her nap, Tia asks, "Can I watch Dora?" I'm thinking of the million other things I would have liked to get done before she woke up when I suggest, "How 'bout... Cars" (thinking that gives me 2 hours rather than 3o minutes). Tia responds (in a whiny voice), "I want to watch Dooooora." I try again, "How 'bout... Chicken Little?" To which she responds, "How 'bout... DORA!"

Learning to pray & other Tia one-liners

Learning to pray

When Caelleb was first learning to pray Bryn or I would often prompt him on things to say. Tia is now volunteering to pray over our dinner. She actually doesn't need Bryn or my help at all. That's where Caelleb comes in. . .

Tia: Dear God
silence
Caelleb (prompting her): help our food
Tia: Help our food
more silence
Caelleb: Help mommy
Tia: Help Mommy
Caelleb: Help Daddy
Tia: Help Daddy
Caelleb: Help Caelleb
Tia: Help my brudder
Caelleb: Help Tia
Tia: Help, uh, me
Caelleb: Help momma, papa T
Tia: Help momma, pappa T
Caelleb: Help mema, pappy
Tia: Help mema, pappy
Bryndyn cutting in: In Jesus Name. . .
Caelleb: AMEN!
Tia: AMEN!


Other Tia 1-Liners

At the dinner table after an interaction w/Caelleb. . .
"Mommy, Caelleb needs to change his attitude"

Right after waking up in the morning, upon seeing a ray of sunlight shining through the drape in her window. . .
"Look, my window's waking up"

In the car, driving to the ARC. . .
"Daddy, I'm going to buy you a castle"

In the ARC locker room while changing out of our swimsuits. . .
"Is that Elmo on my underwear? What is Elmo doing on my underwear?"

These are just a few of the Tia one-liners from Friday/Saturday. Who knows what Sunday will bring!