Did I just say that outloud?

This morning I was picking up a prescription at Walmart. There was only one person in front of me so I was thinking/hoping it would be a short wait. The lady behind the counter asked the man in front of me if he wanted to pay for his prescription there or up front (at the regular check out lines). He asks if he can pay for all of his stuff at the pharmacy and points to his cart which is nearly FULL. I am waiting for the walmart employee to politely tell the man that he will have to check out his groceries up front. Ummmm, no. She says, "sure why not. I have no problem with that." The first thought that crossed my mind was, "you have GOT to be kidding me." I didn't realize that I actually spoke those words outloud until the man turned around and saw me waiting. Thankfully, he changed his mind, apologized, paid for his prescription (only) and headed off to the regular check out lines. Oooops. While I was glad the man changed his mind I am usually better at censoring my tongue.

Sweet sounds that I miss terribly. . .

Every single time that we have Tia she inevitably asks me about Jamie. This past weekend was no exception. Usually it starts with "Where's J?" To which I respond, "Tia, you know where J is." She'll then say, "he at his other mommy & daddy's house." Yep. The questions continue from there. . .

Tia: "J hungry?"
me: "I don't know, maybe."
Tia: "he drinkin' his bottle?"
me: "maybe so"
Tia: "J sad? he cryin?"
me: "No Tia, I think he is happy."
Tia: "J miss me?"
me: "Yes. I am sure that Jamie misses you Tia. Do you miss him?"
Tia: "Yea. You miss J mommy?"
me: "I do. I miss him a lot."
Tia: "J talking to me?"
me: "I'm sure if he could he would be talking your ear off, Tia."
Tia: "what he sayin' mommy?"



This is where the conversation stopped & my tears started. She has asked me this question before. I would mimic a sound that Jamie used to make & Tia would laugh. But this time I couldn't remember. I still can't remember the sweet sounds his little baby chatter used to make. How could I forget that? And HOW can I make sure I don't forget anything else?????

The Wait Poem
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".



If you want to read more about this poem you can go to this link.

Sour Cream Cake (Jana's Recipe)

I made a cake for our small group last night and someone asked for the recipe, so here it is. . .

Ingredients:
1 pkg yellow cake mix
1 stick of butter
1/4 cup oil
1/2 cup sugar
5 eggs
8 oz sour cream
1 tsp vanilla (or more)

Pre-heat oven to 350. Mix all ingredients together and bake for 45 minutes. You have to use, gosh, I don't know what its called--the circle pan with the whole in the middle. lol. Can you tell i'm quite the chef. ha! Anyway, wait till the cake cools, flip it over and voila. I usually sprinkle with powdered sugar. Thats it. Easy!

For another variation you can use the following ingredients and bake at 350 for 50 min. to an hour. . .
Chocolate cake mix
5.9 oz instant chocolate pudding
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup water
4 eggs
8 oz sour cream (or more)
6 oz pkg chocolate chips
powdered sugar (sprinkled on top)

I got these recipes from a friend in Monroe, LA. Thanks Jana! Enjoy. . .

Lifehouse "Everything" Skit

Wow. I'm speechless. Thank you, Becky, for sharing this video. . . Make sure you watch the whole thing (with volume).



Or, you can click on this link to see a larger view.

No Post For You!

OK, just by a show of hands (or a comment), how many of you have been reprimanded by the Blog Natzi for not keeping up on a daily basis with your blog? I know i'm not alone!

Happy 1st Week of School

Last night the kids and I ate "happy 1st week of school" cake. I had seen this cute little mini cake at HyVee that said "ABC" on it with some crayons and a school bus. I bought it to surprise the kids and eat it in honor of them finishing their first week of kindergarten. They loved the cake, so much so that they wanted more than one piece. I told them we would save the 2nd piece for the next night. As I was getting Caelleb ready for his bath he said, "Mommy, for my birthday, I'm going to let everyone at my party have 2 pieces of cake." :) Apparently he thinks that is his executive decision to make. . .

Up A Notch (Plan. . . D?)

When you think of infertility, do any images come to mind? For me there was just one image. . . the one where a female person is struggling to give herself a shot. I had no idea what the shot was for, but that was the picture that would come to my mind when the word infertility came up. I must have seen that in a movie or something. Who knows. Well, guess what? I had the shot. Bryndyn gave it to me. I was scared. It ended up being no big deal, other than a bonding moment for me and my wonderful husband. All that to say, we are taking this fertility (I choose to use the word fertility rather than infertility) thing up a notch. I am getting a first hand lesson on reproductive systems, let me tell you. One thing is for sure: I never imagined I would be going through this. I'm hopeful, but mostly just trying to trust God so that I can be joyful regardless of the outcome.

Drama & The Need for Routine

Tuesday morning--

6:25am--Bryn tells me goodbye and that Caelleb didn't wake up this morning to eat with him. He tried to wake him up but Caelleb said, "I want to sleep more daddy." So, Bryndyn heads to work.

6:40am--Caelleb opens our bedroom door and says "where's daddy?" I tell him that daddy already left for work. . . Caelleb falls on his knees, covers his eyes with his hands and puts his head on the floor & starts crying. I say, "Caelleb daddy tried to wake you up but you told him you wanted to sleep." He responds, through tears, "No he didn't. I didn't say nothing. I just get up."

Tomorrow, by whatever means necessary, Bryndyn will be waking our drama king up for breakfast. :)

Cutest Thing

Bryndyn has always been a morning person. And I have always been, well, NOT a morning person. :) Usually (especially during the school year) Bryndyn is up, showered, dressed, eaten & on his way to work before I am even out of bed. Since we've been back from vacation we have been trying to get the kids back on a good sleeping routine so that they are ready and well rested when school starts next week. The plan is working, better than we would have imagined. Even though Bryn hasn't officially started teaching yet, he has been officially back at work since 8/6 with coaching duties, teacher/staff meetings & technology. So, he is back on his early morning routine. But he now has a "breakfast buddy." For the last week Caelleb has been waking up early and eating breakfast with Bryndyn. I kept thinking it was a fluke because usually he is not so easy to wake up in the morning. But every morning for the last week when I get out of bed I peek out into the living room and there he is already up watching cartoons, even dressed and ready for his day. I didn't realize until recently that he was also sharing the morning meal with Bryndyn. Last night Bryndyn told me how much he is enjoying spending that time with Caelleb and how nice it is to eat breakfast with someone. I thought that in itself was cute. But this morning, same thing. . . I got out of bed about to jump in the shower but I peeked my head out to see if Caelleb was up. Sure enough, he was completely dressed and laying on a pillow on the floor watching mickey mouse clubhouse. I told him good morning and he replied enthusiastically, "Good morning mommy!" So cute. Then I asked him if he had had breakfast with daddy this morning. I wish you could have seen his face. He turned toward me SO excited and exclaimed, "YES I did. I love that!"

I thought my heart was going to burst. So cute!

July 23 -- Day #3 Chill Day

After driving 1860 miles we pretty much just slept and chilled on day #3 of our vacation. It was weird being in my parents house in the summer time months and having it be pleasantly cool! Believe it or not, they JUST got air conditioning in their house. Crazy! I can't imagine not having A/C in Missouri. But in CA, growing up, it never seemed like that big of a deal. There were always a few weeks in the summer that were unbearable but the rest of the year it was fine. But, all that to say, I am glad for them (and us) that the A/C is up and running. We took full advantage of the cooler weather! Monday night we went for pizza at a restaurant called Toppers. It is one of my parents favorite places to eat but it is fairly new (at least it wasn't there when I lived at home). It was good food. My Uncle John & Aunt Cathy & their 4 boys came and had dinner with us and it was so great to catch up with them! They have twin boys, Christopher & Matthew, that were born right after Bryndyn and I started dating, so I guess that makes them almost 11 years old. Bryn and I used to babysit for them from time to time and it seems like yesterday that Bryndyn was falling asleep on their couch with Christopher on his chest. Now, Christopher & Matthew were carrying Tia around. She continued to talk about her "friends-Kis (Chris) & Matt" the entire vacation. I'm so glad we got the chance to see all of them & as always it just reminds me how lucky I am to have such a great family!

An End In Sight

I've been dealing with a toothache now, for about a week. I finally went to the dentist yesterday, so I am now on medication that is helping the infection. Anyway, one of my co-workers was asking me how I was feeling (since getting my prescription). I commented to him that last night, before the medicine had kicked in I was still in a lot of pain. But that, to quote myself, "it was easier to deal with the pain knowing that there was an end in sight." Hmmm. . . Right after I made that comment it got me thinking about other "pain" in my life. Emotional pain, for example. The pain of losing Jamie. The pain of not getting to see Tia everyday. The pain of not being able to conceive up to this point. . . I think the statement could apply to emotional pain as well. If I knew, for example, that we would for sure get pregnant at some point in the future, it would be a whole lot easier to deal with the current unsuccessful attempts. Or, if I knew that Jamie would come back into our life at some point. . . or even if I just knew for SURE that he was going to be OK where he is at, maybe the pain would be easier to deal with. Same could be said of Tia. . .

I wrote the above paragraph last week. Currently, the medicine is working on my toothache and I feel much better now. But to take my analogy one step further. . . It is amazing how much easier it is to get through my day now that the pain in my tooth is gone. Everything is easier. Just simple daily tasks took everything out of me last week because most of my energy was devoted to dealing with the constant pain. Now, it is like I can see/think clearly again and life is definitely more manageable. But now I am imagining what my life would be like if the emotional pain was healed, as well. . . How much easier would it be to get through each day? How much more energy would I have? How much of a better wife, mom, worker would I be?

Maybe I just overanalyze everything. Or maybe God used a toothache to encourage me to deal with the hurt that I've experienced over the last couple years. Or maybe a little of both. . .

How Great Thou Art

My brother told me (once we got to CA) that you can purchase a yearly pass to every National Park in the country. Maybe someday we can do a National Park roadtrip. . . Seriously, places like Bryce Canyon and the ocean (just to name a few). . . how can you not feel closer to God just by being there, seeing what He created. As we were taking in as much of Bryce Cyn. as we could, I was feeling inspired to go and visit other national parks, just to see more of God's handywork. This may sound corny, and it is hard to put into words but I was just feeling like I almost owed it to God to marvel at his masterpieces. "O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made. . ."

Bryce Canyon

Bryce Canyon was amazing! We definitely did not have enough time there. In fact, we were working against the clock. Our mission was to make it to every scenic lookout point along the 18 mile stretch before the sun went down. This was no easy task, trust me. In and out of carseats many, many times. We were a little skeptical to pay the $25 entrance fee to the park for such a short amount of time. And though I wish we could have spent a few days there hiking the many trails, exploring, even though we only had a few hours it was money well spent! This next picture I actually took from the passenger seat of our van on the drive into the National Park. Right outside the park entrance, Ruby's seemed like the happening place. We stopped by the visitor center and then gave ourselves the driving tour. . . From the main road you couldn't see much so it was kind of disappointing. Although just the pine tree scent alone was wonderful! We drove all the way to the end of the 18 mile trek before working our way back slowly stopping at each lookout. They were all incredible. Words don't do them justice. . . Every time I look at these next few pictures it is hard to believe we were standing in front of that backdrop. . . that REAL backdrop!We hadn't seen enough but it was getting dark. . . time to load 'em back up and hit the road, once again. . .

July 22 -- Day #2 I Think I Can. I Think I Can. . .

We left our hotel around 9am. . .

Driving through the Rockies did not disappoint us. It was Beautiful. We stopped at a scenic lookout and walked down to the Colorado River (at least I am assuming it was the CO River--or at least a run off of the CO River) and the kids got to stretch their legs and enjoy the surroundings. We saw some river rafters as well and Bryn and I decided we want to do that next time! I love that drive! I've driven through there many times before but I guess the older I get the more I appreciate nature's beauty!

Caelleb & Vanessa

Vanessa, Caelleb, Tia & Daddy

Tia & Vanessa

After Colorado came UTAH. Not as green as CO but still a very pretty drive. Here are some pictures we took at another scenic lookout. I'm not exactly sure where we were but there was a sign that said, "Black Dragon Canyon, Utah." There ya have it! :)We took a detour to Bryce Canyon and got there around 6:30pm. You will hear much more about Bryce Canyon in a post to come. In short, breathtaking. We didn't leave the National Park until 9pm and hadn't even eaten dinner yet. The kids really were troopers now that I look back (at the time they were driving me crazy). :) There really wasn't anywhere to eat nearby. We ended up on some back roads heading to I-15. By the time we finally got to Cedar City, UT it was probably about 10:30pm or maybe even later. I don't remember. The kids were all asleep. Bryn and I got ourselves something to eat and ordered a little something for the kids in case they were to wake up at some point that evening. I took over in the driver's seat and our intention was to drive as far as we could get and then find a hotel and finish the drive in the morning. I called my parents to let them know that we were going to find a place to stop for the night. Just to give you some perspective. . .

From Arvada, CO to Bryce Canyon, Utah is 568 miles.

From Bryce Canyon to my parent's house in Simi Valley is 554 miles.

Anyway, I got to Mesquite, NV at around 11:45pm or so, thinking/debating whether or not to stop. Bryndyn was asleep. The kids were asleep. Vegas was only an hour away. I figured I could at least get to Vegas. So, I made it to Vegas around 12:30am and still everyone in the van was sleeping except me. I figured I could drive through the city so we didn't hit the morning traffic and find a hotel on the west side. . . I got through all the bright lights of Vegas and I saw a sign for Los Angeles, less than 300 miles away. Hmmm. The van is quiet & peaceful. I've driven home from Vegas many times before. In fact, there was this one time in college that me and three of my girlfriends drove to Vegas and back overnight. Been there. Done that. Let's just GET THERE! Those 5 hours are all a blur to me now (thank goodness for good music, caffeine & sunflower seeds), but we got to my parents at 5:23 am (CA time, but 7:23 am MO time). I discovered the next day that, newsflash, I'm not in college anymore. I'm 33. What was I thinking. :) Actually, the all nighter definitely beat having the kids in the car for five more hours the next day. We definitely surprised my parents. Once the kids woke up there was no way we were getting them back to sleep. Thankfully my parents tended to them while Bryn and I CRASHED! We made it. Earlier than expected! :) Phew.

We went a total of 1122 miles that day. On this map it doesn't look too bad.
But if you look at how far we covered over two days (with 3 small children I might add). . . Yikes!

The good news is we had 11 days before we had to think about the return trip. . . It felt so good to be in CA! Ahhh. . . let the real vacation begin!

Somewhere in Kansas

After hours upon hours of "Tia chatter" a particular song comes on the radio (or maybe it was a CD, I don't even remember what song it was). Tia, matter-of-factly, tells all of us:

"That's my song on. SSSHHHhhhhhhh! No talking."

Bryn and I got a good laugh out of that!

On a much sweeter note, we were still somewhere in Kansas and I had the following conversation with Tia:

Tia: "Mommy"
Me: "Yes"
Tia: "I love my teacher (meaning her Bible class teacher at church)."
Me: "You have a great teacher & I know she loves you too."
Tia: "My teacher says Jesus."
Me: (quiet, but smiling)
Tia: "My Bible says Jesus too."
Me: "It sure does. Your Bible says that Jesus loves YOU!"
Tia: "I love my Jesus."
Me: "I love Jesus too."
Tia: "I love my OWN Jesus."
Me: (chuckling)
Tia: "Where is Jesus?"
Me: "Jesus is always with us."
Tia: "He goes to my class?"
Me: (still smiling) "Yes."
Tia: "I want to SEE Him."
Me: "Me too. Someday we will."


Even at age two, it is so fun to watch spiritual growth take place!

July 21 -- Day #1 (738 miles traveled. . .)

We opted for a ROAD TRIP. Not because that was our first preference, more because we couldn't nail down the dates of the trip AND we didn't know whether or not Tia would be able to travel with us (not to mention avoiding the cost of 4-5 plane tickets). It paid off. Oh my gosh was that drive long, but Tia & Vanessa were able to come and that made it all worth it. Bryndyn and I used to drive all the time when we lived in Louisiana. It's WAY different with kids. Caelleb, Vaness & Tia were relatively good in the car but it's just not the peaceful relaxing driving that I love. Instead, all I heard was (from Tia): "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. . . . ." I'm not exaggerating. The first few hours I answered all of the "Mommies." But by the time we hit the middle of Kansas (which by the way, that state seemed neverending), I was at my wit's end. So was Bryndyn. At one point he said, "Tia, Mommy is in a time out. She can't talk right now. She is going to read her book." :) One of two things would happen next: either a). Tia would start crying, or b). "Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. . . ." Good times!

The night before a long trip like that is hectic, to say the least, so neither Bryn or I got much sleep. After 738 miles and 10 hours in the car, we made it to Arvada, CO (which is a western suburb of Denver) a little before 9pm. We probably could have driven a little further but we really wanted to drive through the Rocky Mts. during the daytime, simply because it is such a beautiful drive. So we found a hotel & a Carl's Jr. :) and called it a night! We knew we still had a LONG way to go. Thankfully we all got a great night's sleep and were ready to roll first thing in the morning.

This Was Definitely NOT That

OK, so as I try to catch this blog up to speed I am going to start with our summer vacation. Usually when I think of "vacation" I think of peaceful relaxation, sleeping in, reading a good book (preferably on a beach somewhere, maybe even sipping a Margarita), doing a whole lot of nothing. Maybe that is the agenda for a couple on vacation? It was most definitely NOT the agenda for a family on vacation, at least not my family. Honestly though, our time in Southern CA was exactly what I needed! There were a few peaceful relaxation moments, but otherwise we stuck to a definite theme: outdoor fun, mostly involving H2O. I took a TON of pictures (would you expect anything less?) so I am going to just work on the posts slowly, breaking them up by days, I guess a sort of trip diary. . .

Bridging the Gap

I'm still here. I still love to blog. I have a BAZILLION pics to get up here and stories to tell. . . Much has happened since my last post (meeting Vanessa, saying goodbye to Jamie, birthdays, an 8 year anniversary, a trip to TX, a trip to CA, disneyland, beach, tubing, catching up with friends & family, etc.) I don't even know where to start, but . . . I am determined to get caught up! Check back soon.

Sittin' Up at 7 Months

June 10th, 2007


Jamie's biggest accomplishment at 7 months is that he learned to sit up. It seemed to happen overnight. One day it seemed he would never get it, the next day, he got it. Crazy how that happens. He's now an 'ol pro at rolling over, grabbing things, the exersaucer, solid foods & juice from a sippie cup. They really do grow up too fast. . .