Definition of Us

I wrote the following post almost a year ago. Hard to believe it has been that long. At the time we had just been to a fertility seminar and had decided to seek professional help for this issue. We were excited & hopeful & trusting God. . .

Definition of Us (written 11.8.06)

"So, last night I was online just wasting time, really, not sure why I wasn’t just SLEEPING. I had stumbled across a “parenting” blog link and that got me wondering if maybe there is a blog out there somewhere to discuss/read about infertility issues. . . I started searching. . . Even though we’ve been “trying” off and on for a very long time (I learned today that the weblog way to say this is TTC “trying to conceive”), we’ve never really done much research on infertility (IF) so this is all new to me. Anyway, the first blog that I stumbled across (I won’t give the link) was very depressing. I mean, I can totally empathize w/this person. The journey sounds horrible. This particular blog writer has been blogging since June 2006—in the beginning she would write about various topics with the issue of IF popping up every now and then. But as I got to the more current entries the entire blog was focused on IF and all the pain, grief and drama that comes along with it. Please don’t get me wrong. I am certainly not judging. I KNOW the pain and it runs deep. Not to mention, this particular blogger has been dealing with this issue much longer than I. But it got me thinking. . .

As we begin this “needing professional help/science” phase of our TTC journey. . . this issue of infertility will NOT define us! However long it takes, or even if it never takes—we will not be defined by this issue. Just as we do not want to be defined by any of the tough issues we've faced, or by our skin color, weight, where we go to church, the size of our house, the kind of car we drive (please don't judge me for the fact that I LOVE my mini van), our fashion sense (or lack thereof), education, or even how “trendy” this blog is, :) etc. . . The only thing we truly want to be defined by is our relationship with God. He is the ultimate giver of life and even though our hearts ache to conceive a child—God is faithful. He is with Bryndyn and I on this journey and He will sustain us. However it turns out we will continue praising Him!

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:7-14)

In the coming months/years/however long it takes. . . please pray for Bryndyn and I that God (and God alone) will be what defines us!"

Now, as I read this, I almost feel like a different person. When I wrote this, Tia was still living with us. Jamie hadn't even been born (he was born 2 days later). Feels like a lifetime ago. I now know FIRST-HAND the pain of failed infertility treatments. Doubts have crept in. I've struggled to continue trusting God, even wondered if I ever TRULY trusted Him to begin with. But I still hold firmly to the belief that my relationship with God is what needs to define me/us. I don't think I've done a very good job of that, as of late. It's been such a hard year--I think it is safe to say, the hardest of my life. But God has been using this season to teach me some things and to draw me closer to Him (more on this topic in a post to come). He is faithful. He is what sustains. So, to quote a line from one of my favorite worship songs, "though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name"