Friday's Fest #2

Bryndyn and I have always dreamed of having a large family. My desire to get pregnant goes in spurts. I mean, the desire is always there, but with different levels of strength. There are times when I feel completely content with life and there are other times when the desire to bear a child, to see a little one w/Bryndyn or my eyes, is so strong it hurts...

I don't remember the exact date but it was sometime during the summer of 2004. I was driving down to Jeff City (where I was working at the time). Caelleb was two and a half and had only moved in with us a couple months before. He was behind me in his carseat for the 30 minute commute. Driving has always been therapeutic for me. When I am stressed or sad or lonely or frustrated or angry, etc. one of the best remedies for me is just drivig w/my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs, or praying or just deep in thought. On this particular day I was lost in my own thoughts. It was one of those times where my desire to be pregnant was at an all time high, to the point that I was feeling sorry for myself... I was listening to one of my Sara Groves CD's (if you've never heard her, you need to). The following song came on. . .

He's Always Been Faithful

Sara Groves (album, Conversations)

Morning by morning

I wake up to find

the power and comfort

of God's hand in mine.

Season by season

I watch him amazed,

in awe of the mystery

of his perfect ways.

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember

a trial or a pain

he did not recycle

to bring me gain.

I can't remember

one single regret

in serving God only

and trusting his hand.

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem,

this is my song,

the theme of the stories

I've heard for so long.

God has been faithful,

he will be again.

His loving compassion,

it knows no end.

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me.

It's a great song, one of my favorites. As I was meditating on the words I was thinking about how God will be faithful. I was thinking about how someday God will bless us w/the gift of bearing a child. I just kept telling myself to trust God, that he will be faithful. All of a sudden my thoughts were interrupted--I had vaguely been hearing this laughter in the back of my mind while I was selfishly lamenting the fact that I wanted a baby and telling myself that God would be faithful. . .someday.

Eventually, the laughter brought me back to my reality. I looked in my rearview mirror to see what all the commotion was about. . . There was Caelleb, with a pullup pulled completely over his head, covering his face, laughing hysterically at himself and this new pull up game he had discovered. I couldn't help but laugh along with him. He was filled with such joy, it was contagious! The Sara Groves song was still playing and at that moment it dawned on me-- God IS faithful. I had been thinking about the day that God would be faithful to me, feeling sorry for myself. But God IS faithful. He is faithful everyday! He blessed me w/this beautiful child in the backseat that is full of life, love and joy. God was, is & will always be faithful. It was a moment of realization that brought me to tears. Who am I to decide what I need? Who am I to decide how God should be faithful? He loves me & His track record is impeccable. "All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. . ."